Cancer, I've been here before.

So the docs found a new spot on my lungs. It is May 27th, 2026, I've been here before. I'm ready for this. Interesting, it was exactly four years ago on this day that I posted "My Cancer Cure" post on here. In that post I wrote: "We all come into this life with a mission, a reason, and when that reason is done so are we...this is why cancer doesn't matter to me, if I still have a reason to live, the cancer will wait. And as I told you before, the blue Buddha came to me in a dream and so I know I am healing and will stay alive as long as I continue my mission. I am chanting each morning that this body which can create a cancer cell, can heel a cancer cell. Therefore, I chant that the recent spots they found on my lungs are smaller than they were the day before, and that they are not cancerous. I then thank the heavenly deities for providing this. I also pray that the medicine king will bring me the knowledge, doctors, cures, etc., that I need...."

I go into how I eat raw bitter melon, broccoli, and carrots in the morning. I also go into my faith: "The faith I speak of is the Mystic Law which saved my life over a year ago by alarming me to have my lungs checked. I've told you about it before, how while chanting my chest began to hurt which caused me to go to the hospital where they found a cancer spot. It amazed the doctors that I brought it to their attention so early. I had part of my lung removed and have lived another year without cancer. Now, it looks like there are more spots which could be cancerous.  I am not sure what I have left, if it is to share with you how my faith has saved me again, or how I know by chanting I am protected and will be here as long as I am needed.  Maybe just to share my cure with you, kind reader. The faith I speak of is the Mystic Law. To obtain it all you have to do is chant: Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Give it a try. 

Esoteric Emily Dickinson

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church –
I keep it, staying at Home –

Emily wrote the above words in one of her many unnamed poems. When I read those words, at 16, I was liberated from organized religion.

Maybe I was Emily in a previous life, she calls out to me like no others.

On the night I found out I had cancer, I dreamed of Emily Dickinson, and it was the isolationist in me that marveled at her, I'm sure. I'll share her documentary at the end of this post, but she spent most of her life in her bedroom, she also died not knowing she would be immortal because of her words, or did she? Her words seem to suggest she knew she would live forever in words.

Fame is a bee.
It has a song –
It has a sting –
Ah, too, it has a wing.

She definitely thought of fame's immortality in her poem about death:

Because I could not stop for Death –

He kindly stopped for me –

The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

And Immortality.



We slowly drove – He knew no haste

And I had put away

My labor and my leisure too,

For His Civility –



We passed the School, where Children strove

At Recess – in the Ring –

We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –

We passed the Setting Sun –



Or rather – He passed Us –

The Dews drew quivering and Chill –

For only Gossamer, my Gown –

My Tippet – only Tulle –



We paused before a House that seemed

A Swelling of the Ground –

The Roof was scarcely visible –

The Cornice – in the Ground –



Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet

Feels shorter than the Day

I first surmised the Horses' Heads

Were toward Eternity –


But how did she know she would be famous? Her work was mostly rejected in her lifetime. How could she have known she would live "Eternity" in words?

Regardless,

there is no doubt that Emily,

was an,

 Esotericist.

~~ Eso Terry Poem to Emily.

The reason I wrote my poem calling Emily an Esotericist, is because of her own words in the following poem of hers:

’T WAS later when the summer went
Than when the cricket came,
And yet we knew that gentle clock
Meant nought but going home.

’T was sooner when the cricket went
Than when the winter came,
Yet that pathetic pendulum
Keeps esoteric time.

~Emily Dickinson

Expecting to Win to Lose, my Angel 444 Commeth, It's Scorpio Time

It's the day after my last post about gambling. In that post I talked about how in order to win, you have to totally expect not to win. And to know this not with the brain, but with the soul, for the soul knows everything. And I guess I thought I would win with my soul, because in reality I lost my ass. I bet heavily on Cooper Kupp who was expected to have another great came. He always does. All the odds makers said it. So I bet on Cooper and of course, he had a pathetic game. So bad he spent most of it on the bench. The sports headlines go from "Weird Game" to "Irrelevant Game."

Still, I continue to bet on these sports expecting to win again one day, but as long as I know this, I won't. However, not to fear, for I have been giving a sign that good things are coming my way in the form of the numbers 444 appearing on my phone this morning. These are the same numbers that kept popping up when I was claiming victory over lung cancer by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Some know these as Angel Numbers and I'm okay with this, for I know I've heard one of my angels whisper in my ear "It's going to be okay" as I was demolishing my old VW Beetle into an oncoming car, and lived to walk away from it. 

But today is the 23rd of October and we all know what that means: Today (echo, echo, echo...)  is the 23rd of October which means it is Scorpio time of year. The scorpion is regarded as a creature, which has a very tender face to be compared with the countenance of a chaste virgin. Like most women, therefore, it has its beauty and innocent charm. At the same time, however, its opposite end is capable of delivering a painful, possibly fatal sting, and the creature is, therefore, to be feared and avoided. Thus the scorpion evokes the same ambivalence and the same quivering conflict of desire and fear.

Folklore also holds that the oil of the scorpion is a cure for the pain of its sting, and the scorpion is, therefore, all the more appropriate as a symbol of the fair sex, for as Hermann Hesse notes in his book Steppenwolf, "Women...relish much of scorpions, for both have stings, and both can hurt too."

~~Eso "Steppenwolf" Terry

 

It's the Blue Dye, says Robert F Kennedy, jr, and the MAGA folks sing...

 It's the Blue Dye, says Robert F Kennedy, jr, and the MAGA folks sing...

Gargoyle Mouthwash

 

Let's talk gargoyles boys and girls, yes, those strange faces in stone telling us to behave or we'll get a massive growth on our heads.

 

In the apartment I lived in as a kid, there was an old building across the street with gargoyles on the top floor, and I would sit for hours looking up at the strange beings looking back at me, some were crying, others laughing, and if I shook my head fast enough, they moved. Of course, then I was giving ADHD medicine and stopped staring out the window so much. 

 

Later I learned that the building across the street was built by a wealthy businessman in the early 20th century who believed putting gargoyles on the ledges would bring him good luck.  The logic didn't work because the building opened in 1929 a week before the  Great Depression, and he subsequently jumped from the building.  

 

The faces of the gargoyles are rumored to be the faces the owner made as he jumped to his death from the building after losing everything he had in the stock crash.  You hear stories like these all the time, and probably the reason you never see gargoyles on buildings anymore.

The history of gargoyles starts in a town in France outside of Paris called Rouen.  The story tells of a dragon that lived in the Sene river and terrorized the town by eating people along the river banks and burning ships trying to pass.  The dragon's name... you guessed it...  Gargouille.

The legend goes that around the year 600 AD a Christian monk named Romanus came to town and defeated the dragon and delivered the dead beast to the town's people who immediately  decided to burn it.  The body of the dragon went up in flames quickly, but the head and neck wouldn't burn.  Taking this as a sign from God, the towns people mounded the head and neck of the dragon on a village wall as a reminder of God’s great power.  This practice soon spread from town to town and the neck and head of Gargouille became the model of today's gargoyle.

The word Gargoyle comes from the French word Gargouille and so it should be no surprise that the oldest gargoyles standing today are found in France.  These gargoyles are on Cathedrals and are a part of what is called Scripture in Stone.  According to most scholars, these gargoyles were placed on religious structures to preach the gospels to the illiterate and warring classes by putting the fear of hell in them.  Others believe the gargoyles are demons of lost souls placed there to scare away greater demons.  Regardless of the reason, all the great cathedrals of France have them. 

The two greatest of these cathedrals are Notre Dame and Chartres.  The gargoyles of Notre Dame are rumored to take flight after dark and watch over the cafes of Paris.  The gargoyles of Chartres are said to watch over the countryside to scare away oncoming threats. 

As I have already mentioned, the word Gargoyle is from the Old French word Gargouille which means throat.  If you look at most of the old Gargoyles you'll see they have long necks with a head at the end in the form of a long spout.  The English words gurgle and gargle share the same French root as the word gargoyle.  This really makes sense because in architecture any drainpipe leaning off the side of a building is called a gargoyle.  Conversely,  if a stone carving does not carry water but does have a horrible face or image on it architects call it a grotesques.

Ostara (1901) by Johannes Gehrts. Spring feasts were held to honour the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre/Ostara.

Although gargoyles and grotesques placed on cathedrals are believed to be of Christian origin, a closer look does tell another story.  A closer look tells the story of how a winter's solstice celebration became the birth of a savoir; and, how a Spring feast once held to honor the goddess Eostre became the resurrection Easter Sunday meal.  Stonemasons who had passed from being an apprentice to a journeyman knew this and so worked out their own ideas in their carvings.  They were, in a sense, independent artist and so were free to do pretty much as they liked.  So why then did they choose to place so many pagan images on the religious buildings of their day?  Could it be they still held onto the old beliefs in secret? After much research, I for one believe the carvings were a message for those with eyes to see.  A prime example of this are the many gargoyles of The Green Man, also known as The Jack in the Green, who was the pagan god of tree worship and can be found in the many grotesques wearing crowns of leaves and branches.

Another common image from paganism that is found on many cathedrals is the multi-face grotesques that represents Diana the virgin goddess and protector of childbirth.  Historically, Diana made up a triad with two other Roman deities: Egeria the water nymph, and Virbius, the woodland god.  These three-faces of the gods to the cults were once worshiped as the Christian holy trinity, that is, until the Pope realized their true meaning and so had the practice banned. Still, the Pope left the pagan symbols on the cathedrals as to not upset the will of the people; seems, even the Pope had a thing for our pagan past. 

So, along with diverting rainwater and scaring off evil spirits, gargoyles seemed to be a way for the artist who placed them there to tell the story of the old religion; the old Pagan religion before the Christian church came along and gave the town's people the choice to convert to the new God, or, well... die.  Knowing this, it's easy to see that these gargoyles are pagan messengers reminding us of the truth that religion can not be ordered by a king, but must be grown from within or else, well, it's gargoyle mouthwash.


~~ Dr. TV Boogie

Living of Cancer

Everywhere I turn there seems to be a new successful cancer treatment.  A few weeks ago it was Proton Therapy, and just yesterday a pill that completely removed all the cancer cells in all the test subjects. Could I be cured just in the nick of time?  I once wondered that years ago, and here we are 2022 and I have lung cancer and will either cure myself or be cured by a treatment.  Today, I am still working on myself: Green tea, bitter melon, broccoli, carrots, vitamin B and C, oh, and most importantly, faith in my ability to cure this cancer by chanting Nam Myo Renge Kyo.  

I get a chest scan this Friday to see how aggressive the tumors are.  So there is still plenty of time to make a difference in the world.  Funny, but when I saw other people dying I thought, "Why are they bothering planting a tree?"  Now I see there is an enlightenment with dying,  an enlightenment from knowing you'll soon have more answers and wondering if there will be more questions?  Is it just the next level of the matrix? 

Either way, I'll put in a good word for you. 

 ~~ Eso Terry -- Living of Cancer.

Service to Others is the Answer my Friends, Love, is the Question.

June 6, no work today.  This is good.  I have time to commit myself in the "service of others."  This is something I should have done a long time ago.  Instead of chasing woman, drinking, and trying to obtain status in a world where such things are nothing more than an illusion, for in the end it is the love we make that matters.  

I did my morning chants facing my Buddhist mandala, or object of devotion as we call it.  I prayed and thanked for healing, and that the tumor cells in my body turn benign for this body that has the ability to create poison, has the ability to create medicine.  I ate some raw carrots, broccoli, and bitter melon as my bitter melon, ginseng, green tea steeped. 

I believe it is my faith that heals.  I believe it is my faith that guides me.  This Friday they scan my lungs to see what the tumors are doing.  In the meantime, I will visit and a member of my faith at the hospital today where he has been over the last few months from a stroke.  He has no one, no money, and no health insurance.  He will need medical care the rest of his life.  I will support him anyway I can without making a comment about healthcare in the USA.  

I have another struggling friend who is jobless and living in an apartment with government assistance.  I Venmo'd him twenty bucks last night so he can get some gas to go look for a a job.  

Service to others.  This is something I should have done a long time ago instead of chasing woman, drinkings, and trying to obtain status in a world where the only status there is, is love, or do I mean "Sacrifice?"  Is this what the whole Jesus writings were really about? Not so much the "dying" as the "sacrifice" itself?  Fiction or not, sacrifice is love now isn't it.  Wooo, I just blew my mind.

 

~~ Eso Terry - Living of Cancer.

My Cancer Cure Program!

It is the 27th day of May and I am still stunned by the senseless killings of 19 children in a Texas grade school.  We all come into this life with a mission, a reason, and when that reason is done so are we.  I am not sure what the mission of those kids were, but I am sure they had one and completed it in their short time here.  This is why cancer doesn't matter to me, if I still have a reason to live, the cancer will wait.  And as I told you before, the blue Buddha came to me in a dream and so I know I am healing and will stay alive as long as I continue my mission.  I am chanting each morning that this body which can create a cancer cell, can heel a cancer cell.  Therefore, I chant that the recent spots they found on my lungs are smaller than they were the day before, and that they are not cancerous.  I then thank the heavenly deities for providing this.  I also pray that the medicine king will bring me the knowledge, doctors, cures, etc., that I need.  I drink green tea with bitter melon, ginseng, and honey each morning.  I also eat raw broccoli and carrots when I have it.  The bitter melon is an ancient Chinese cure that a Chinese healer told me about.  My body will heal if I have more work to be done here, and I do.  I am here to show you how I am surviving cancer through faith and works. The faith I speak of is the Mystic Law which saved my life over a year ago by alarming me to have my lungs checked.  I've told you about it before, how while chanting my chest began to hurt which caused me to go to the hospital where they found a cancer spot.  It amazed the doctors that I brought it to their attention so early.  I had part of my lung removed and have lived another year without cancer.  Now, it looks like there are more spots which could be cancerous.   I am not sure what I have left, if it is to share with you how my faith has saved me again, or how I know by chanting I am protected and will be here as long as I am needed.  Maybe just to share my cure with you, kind reader.  The faith I speak of is the Mystic Law.  To obtain it all you have to do is chant: Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Give it a try. 

Suicide is no longer an option, I'll take my fate.

"Hearing you have cancer at 62 isn't as bad as hearing you have it in your 20's or 30's."  

I told the doctor this yesterday, as he told me to wait until the next C Scan to see if the spots on my lungs are growing at an alarming pace.  An hour before meeting with the doctor I had texted a Cowboy friend of mine that I needed help in buying a handgun.  "Why?" he texted back. 

We both knew why.  

My mom laid in a Hospice bed in my living room for three months dying in a zombie state.   I changed her bedpan and wiped the feces off her body.  The last words she said to me was, "I am sorry you have to do this for me.  It isn't right."   Even in her morphine state, she felt shame.

I don't want to end up like that.  

That is what was going on in my head when I asked Cowboy Joe to help me buy a gun.  

As fate would have it, Mia, another friend texted me shortly after I had gotten home: "Michael is Dead. He shot himself in the head."

I guess the thought of taking my own life was in the ether because of Michael.  

Mia was a woman I had dated which turned into a lifelong friendship after we broke up.  She had been in a dysfunctional relationship with Michael for over three years.  I only heard from her when they were in breakup mode.  

She told me how she watched him do it and saw the gap in his head from the gun shot along with his protruding eyes as the life vibrated out his body with a jolt. 

I couldn't tell her that the same thought of suicide came across my mind a few hours earlier outside the doctor's office. 

I thought about my daughter or ex wife having to identify my exploded head.  That would be worse than changing my bedpan. 

I guess it will be better to die in a Hospice bed as mom had, if fate so dictates it. 

It's all an illusion anyway. 

~~ Eso Terry

John Lennon and Emily Dickenson: thoughts of this dying man.

 A vision came to me this morning while chanting: I saw John Lennon's 'Imagine' album cover and saw he had his head in the clouds on the album cover.  I never put it together back then, but now I do.

 

I had stared at that album cover for hours as I listened to the songs on the album.  I never thought about how John had his head in the clouds.  I saw it as two separate things: the clouds, and then John.   I never put the message together for I never have been good at seeing the obvious.  The obvious message of how he was telling the world he was okay with his head in the clouds.  Something I heard a lot as a kid and it was never good: "Get your head out of the clouds or you'll end up dead."  

It is funny that I see now how John was telling me it was okay to have my head in the clouds while the world around me was telling me different.  And I tried to get my head out of the clouds, I really did, but I never could.   As a kid they told me to "apply myself," "focus,", "Wake up!"  But I couldn't.  And when I became a grown man with a wife, kid, and house in the suburbs, my head was still in the clouds.  Which led to a divorce where I could be alone.  You see, being alone with my head in the clouds works for me.  

In the 90's they told me I wasn't "grounded enough."  I did the New Age workshops and tried to find my place on the earth.  Those were wasted years: a person with his/her head in the clouds can not be grounded, and so, must remain alone. 

Which brings me to Emily Dickenson.  I digitized a documentary of her life yesterday, and just as I had never conceptualized the meaning of Lennon with his head in the clouds, I had never conceptualized the life of Emily Dickenson and how she remained alone.  Obviously, she too had her head in the clouds and so had to be alone, for being alone no one can tell you to get your head out of the clouds, now can they?

I told my oldest friend about my cancer today.  He lives in China.  So now two people know about my death sentence, and both are on a continent I'll never see in this lifetime: China.  It is funny that I've been most places on earth but never to China, in this lifetime.  I know I have been there in a past life.  With a third of the people who have ever lived having been Chinese, I think it is safe to say we have all been Chinese in a previous life.  

Not sure where I am going with today's words, and I am sorry that they are so cloudy, but well, you see, because I could not stop for death, death has stopped for me, and I have never been closer to John or Emily. 

Because I could not stop for Death

Emily Dickinson - 1830-1886

Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves— 
And Immortality.

We slowly drove—He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility—

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring—
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—

Or rather—He passed us—
The Dews drew quivering and chill—
For only Gossamer, my Gown—
My Tippet—only Tulle—

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground—
The Roof was scarcely visible—
The Cornice—in the Ground—

Since then—’tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity—

Living With Cancer, Sunlight, Breath.

The sun came through my window like the Buddha this morning and it is good to be alive.  I need to make a correction to my Blue Buddha post a few days ago, for in it I said "I am dying of cancer."  Not a good choice of words, the correct statement is "I am living with Cancer."  That's how it is.  For there is no difference in one's life as long as he/she can walk, talk, or bicycle.  And for the time being I can do all three.

For the last few days my chest has been hurting.  Could be the cancer, or it could be a pulled muscle from lowering video production equipment in my car.  That's right,  I am still working for the man.  It is what some of us do.  "We work until we drop," as my grandfather used to say, and he did, he died mowing the grass a few months before he was going to retire from his factory job and enjoy a life of leisure in the Florida sun.

Yes, the sun is shining through my window this morning and I'm alive with cancer.  This moment is worth a million bucks people, breath deep, enjoy it.  It is all we get to share in the end, breath.

~~ Eso Terry  

Looking at The Bright Side of Cancer

So in this mornings chants, (Daimoku), I chanted for the cancer cells in my body to become benign and grow smaller than they were yesterday.  I do this because this body that has the power to create such ailments surely has the power to fix them.  Stay tuned for more on my miracle healing from the power of Nam Myo Renge Kyo.  

Today, however, I want to talk about the good news of getting cancer. That's right, like anything else that is bad, there is some good.  With cancer you don't have to worry about tomorrow anymore, that's right, that retirement account you didn't add enough money to when you had the chance doesn't matter now.  Then that hole in the ceiling you've been putting off fixing, fuck it.  Yes, these thoughts are now replaced with things you need to fix for when you are unable to fix things, like that bathroom toilet in your bathroom you stopped using years ago for the second bath down the hall.  Need to fix it now so you won't have so far to walk when you are on those serious cancer meds that might make you toss your morning cookies, repeatedly. 

Speaking of meds, how about some serious pain pills, they might help focus on things like the esoteric thoughts of Plato, that could be a plus.  

Then those tools you didn't return and that money you never repaid, fuck it, take it with you to the grave, it will balance out in the next life. 

Yes, dying of cancer does have some perks.  The biggest perk is being able to blog about the other side, the great beyond, the land of light, and what can be more esoteric than this?

The Healing Blue Buddha Came To Me This Morning.

During this morning's chants the vision of a blue Buddha came to me.  I say Buddha, but it could have been my past Bodhisattva life.  In my particular branch of the Buddha faith we believe the Lotus Sutra is the most important sutra of all and by reciting it we have the power to move mountains; Shakyamuni himself said that it is the most important sutra of all, and that he waited until we were ready to receive it before giving us the good news: we are all Buddhas. It was his last sutra, the sutra that replaced all other sutras.  

The Lotus Sutra really is a psychedelic trip with Bodhisattvas floating in the Ceremony in the Air along with floating lotus flowers, voice-hearers, heavenly gods, benevolent deities, and other living beings.  With us all together the Buddha enters his Treasure Tower and begins to speak to us about how he has always been a Buddha, and we, the Bodhisattvas of the earth have chosen to come back as Bodhisattvas to help others obtain Buddha-hood. 

That is the simple version but it’s much deeper, and too deep to go into here, but it explains how my morning chants can take me places where I’ll see a blue Buddha and know it means something. So, together let’s see what it means. 

A google search of “blue Buddha” gives us this opening paragraph: 

Associated with the Akshobhya Buddha and the healer 'Blue Buddha,' Blue represents tranquility, ascension, the infinite, purity, and healing. 

Wow, that’s it in a nut shell. As you should know by now they have found cancer spots on my lungs again. The last time there was one and I had a part of my lung removed to get rid of it. A year later there are more spots. So, I might be dying. It’s not official yet, and with the appearance of the blue Buddha in my life, I believe there is hope.

Stay tuned boys and girls, I’m fighting this, and now with a visit from the healing Buddha, my chanting, and belief in the Mystic Law, you are about to witness a full fledged miracle of Lotus Sutra proportions. Or as we say in our chants: Nam Myo Renge Kyo. Try it, recite the words and make a wish, when it comes true you will know the power of the Mystic Law. 

~~ ESO Terry 

How I Plan to Save America Before This Cancer Kills Me.

I got to thinking last night, 'who's going to want to read about my cancer,' but then I thought, who wants to read about the Fall of Rome?  Everyone, because it is happening again in the US.  Case in point, around the 3rd century, Rome had become politically divided and so there was infighting which caused territories to split off only to be reclaimed by the Roman army.  Seeing this the Roman senate increased its military spending to be over half of its tax collections, and Support the Troops became the word of the day.  And to keep its massive military power it kept taxing the people more and more in the form of fees on water, toll roads, traffic violations, etc., while demanding little from it's wealthy 1%.   No shit.  The USA is on the identical path of Rome.  

Just like we had a civil war around 1863, Rome had a terrible civil war around 135 AD.  The military leader who won that war was general Septimius Severus, who became the War Machine leader.  He took all the money once used for public education and put it in more war machines to show its power to the world.  But the problem wasn't the world, the problem was the Roman politicians who blamed each other for the problems of the country while excusing the wealthy oligarchs who didn't want to improve the streets or schools, but only be left alone to make more money.  Finally, then as now the problems of the day were blamed on the liberal gardeners who wanted to plant pretty smelling flowers around the collisium to help cover the stinch of spilled gladiator blood. 

And of course, as I tell you each year on its anniversary, the end of Rome came in the year 410 when the Visigoth attacked the city after planting lunatic moles in the country that kept Romans fighting Romans instead of noticing that being divided was the Visigoths tool of choice, much as the enemies of the USA are waiting to walk in and take over our country while Conservatives fight Liberals, instead of realizing it takes both sides to run a country. Think about it, what if the world was made up of nothing but gun-toting Red Necks? Who would plant the flowers? Likewise, what if the world was made up of nothing but flower growers? Who would kill the flower eating deer?

As simple as is it to say, it is true: together we stand, divided we fall.

Rome’s enemies knew this and so do ours.

I only have a short time left in this existence, so let’s get this shit right before I return!

I love you Vladimir Putin. I love you Birney Sanders! I love you Donald Trump! I love you Joe Biden! I love you Marge Greene! I love you Elon Musk! I love you Elizabeth Warren!…

That’s how we each need to start, then we can talk about the little things. 

Our enemies are watching. 

On another good note, on this day in 1898 the first American cancer lab was established in New York State, and since then they have cured, well, I'll save that over the course of my chemo treatment.  So don't go away, this is just getting interesting as I try to save America before I die. 

~~ Eso Terry

Death be not proud, April 28 Cancer Diary Entry

So yesterday the doctor told me my lung cancer has returned. I remembered reading that Ron Wood of The Rolling Stones was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago and so researched him. It was eerie. He too had part of a lung removed and thought he was good to go only to find it came back. So now he’s doing chemo. I guess chemo is next for me, however, I don’t have great healthcare, and so might not be as lucky as he.

My healthcare is through the VA hospital here in Dallas. Seeing a doctor is like standing in line for a busy ride at the State Fair. The line moves slowly. Hopefully my cancer will too. 

Since the doctor told me there were spots on both my lungs my chest has begun to hurt. It’s a sting like maybe I pulled a muscle deep inside me. A muscle I never knew I had, but was always there: the dying muscle. Truth is, cancer has always been a part of my psyche like a water stain in the ceiling that has always been there but was covered with paint, and now has reappeared as a yellow stain. I come from a long line of lung cancer victims. Mom, Aunt, Grand Mom, like clock work every 10 years one of us has to go. 1974, my grand mother, 1984, my aunt, 2000, my mom, and now, 2022, me?  Wait, there is something wrong with my math, it was 20 years between my aunt and mom, and now 22 years between my mom and me.  The pattern is changing. I like that.  I would actually like to see it go 30 years.  I’m putting that out to the universe.  Join me each week as I show you how I am doing it. How I am going to win this battle. Oh shit, that’s what everyone says in the denial phase. But maybe, just maybe, death can wait for me, for as John Donn said many deaths ago, 

Death be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for, thou art not soe,

For, those, whom thou think’st, thou dost overthrow,

Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,

Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,

Rest of their bones, and souls deliverie.

Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesses dwell,

And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,

And better than thy stroake; why swell’st thou then?

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; death , thou shalt die. 

Cancer Diary April 27. The day I found Out.

I’m dying boys and girls, so are you. 

On this day (April 27), in 4977 B.C., the universe was created, according to the German mathematician and astronomer Johannes Kepler. Was he right? Who knows, the guy wasn’t a religious quack, he was a planetary doctor. He looked up at the sky and saw things. Shit, he has the telescope that found new worlds in distant galaxies named after him, so he probably is right.

Good news: I’ll soon be able to ask him on the other side. You see, I’m dying. 

Today is not only the day the world started, it is the day the doctor told me my life is ending, for you see I have lung cancer. 

And so the fight begins. 

I thought I had beaten this sucker last year when they removed part of my lung and said I was good to go. 

This might be the subject of my blog for awhile. 

Welcome to my cancer diary. 

Facing death, I now understand life. It’s actually a relief to not have to worry about tomorrow for I am now entering the great beyond. Don’t worry for me, this place has never been my home for I’m just a pilgrim on the road (Steve Earle). 

The only thing I fear now is shitting myself in bed. I hope I go before that happens. 

I do intend to reincarnate quickly and continue this blog. So, I’ll see you in 30 years or so, quicker if I reincarnate with better spelling skills.

I’m dying. 

 April 27th and not only am I dying, but I am troubled.  I am troubled by the Oligarchs' bombing, raping, and pillaging in Ukraine that continues while the world does nothing; I am troubled that Suu Kyi, the liberal democracy leader in Myanmar who was ousted by a military coup, is now being imprisoned for five years on trumped up charges that she received gold as the president of the country.  For those of you too concerned with hanging guilt on the Democrats or Republicans -- whichever lie they got you believing in -- I have to tell you that Myanmar should alarm you for it is a prelude of the fight for freedom that is playing out in most countries of the world, and will soon be at a government near you -- if it already isn’t.     

Suu Kyi has been fighting for democracy in Myanmar her whole life.  In a fair election in 1990, her party won 81% of the votes, and yet she was not allowed to serve and was instead put under house arrest by the oligarchy controlled military who claimed she "stole the election."  Yes, the same thing Trump tried to pull in the USA 2020 election where he lost, and then tried to get a coup of Right Wing Americans to takeover the capital and create a shit storm of chaos so ugly that he could declare Marshall Law and keep his power forever, as his comrade in Russia has done. 

Yes, the 1% of the 1%'ers, the Oligarchs of the world are winning.  They do it by getting control of a country's conservatives, and/or military leaders and killing off the moderates and free thinkers.  In France, they almost achieved the crème de la crème last week in a close election where the moderate leader barely defeated the conservative Putin implant who wanted to build a wall around France from the rest of Europe -- sound familiar?  It should, for it was the same thing that happened in the USA with Donald Trump and his love affair for Russia.  Fortunately for the US, however, our military is run by a mixture of people that includes People of Color and varying religious backgrounds, and so, Trump couldn't get control over the military that he needed to pull off his Vladimir Putin coup. 

End of Cancer Diary April 27. The day I found out. 

Another Day With Cancer

 

 

Sorry I've not written in a few weeks, but I've been watching the sun come through my west window with glee every afternoon.  It's something you do when you have cancer.  You look at everything and see its beauty.  The sounds of the little kid riding the big-wheel scooter he got for Christmas has been fun too.  I've even enjoyed hearing a Republican woman I've worked with for years complain about how the new president Joe Biden has signed so many new executive orders in his first week of presidency.  In the past that would have bugged the leftist-liberal-medical-care-for-all liberal in me to no ends.  Now I smiled and enjoyed her words, for her closed-minded negativity reminds me I'm alive.  

On a brighter note, the football player they are calling the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) won anohter Super-Bowl yesterday; which reminds me of lyrics I heard in my youth from a local Punk Rock Band, the spiked-hair guy with heavy eye-makeup sang:  

                "Situation normal: all fucked up!" 

Congratulations GOAT quarterback.  May the devils of luck continue to shine on for you.  

 

Oh, got to go, here comes the sun! 

 

 

~~ Dr TV Boogie

My Death Poem

 

It's funny, faced with death from multiple tumors in my body, 

I laugh

 I laugh at the silliness of it all

The silliness of worrying about everything from love

to death

And how 

I wanted what I wouldn't have

Never appreciating

what I had.

I wanted out

I wanted out of the black snow of Detroit

I wanted out of a cubicle job

I wanted out of my marriage

I wanted out of my limits

I wanted out of everything I had 

for that which I would never have 

And now, 

instead of wanting out of this dying body

I want out of death

~~ a poem written by Dr TV Boogie

Found out today I’m dying. Film at eleven

 The screen is bare, we make the picture. That’s life.

Found out today I’m dying. Film at eleven.